Depression or Paranoia?

I've always felt HUGE amounts of both. So much that they don't even feel like depression or paranoia. They just feel like REALLY strong feelings. Similar to fear in a way. I'm terrified of dying and I'm paranoid some one will kill me. Feel like that all the time. It's not too much fun. Sure, at times it keeps me out of trouble, but if I keep living this way trouble is all I'll get.

Too scared to abide by the law and too scared to change my ways. Way too scared to even try to understand why I think this way. I'm terrified of my friends and what they are capable of. I'm mortified by the things I love and how they affect me. I feel that if I don't want to change, then I won't need to. But I know that isn't true.

At times I will embrace this fear. At other times I will hinder it. I'm much too certain that no matter what, I cannot fully stop it.

So what does this mean? Why am I so scared? Why does every little movement make me jump? Why will the even the tiniest threat make me quiver?

Because when it all comes down to it, no matter what religion you are, you do not want to die. No matter how sure you are that you are going to heaven, no matter how sure you are that everything will be ok, you don't want to die. That's because it's an instinct. To stay alive. Before books of gods and goddesses. Before thoughts of spiritual living. All you needed to do was stay alive.

I'll tell you what, a conscience and a lack of religion combined can really fuck with you.

I wish I could believe. I really do.